If you don't stop Googling, you'll go blind...
I can hear the neds going past the window, and that will do as reason enough for not going out on the weekend anyway although I am also broke, so have decided to do some work. This, clearly, isn't work, but I am easily distracted.
I hate being broke. When the hell is some kindly passing eccentric rich idiot going to just *give* me some bloody money so I can have a life? Oh, and the first person to tell me you don't need money to have a life is getting a fork in the head. Yes you fucking do. Anyway, I'm not just blogging to rant about being skint. No, really. Well, not just that.
See, this work I'm not doing took the form of me trying to write a pitch for a publisher, so thought I'd do a little vague Googling for "horror anthology" and although it returned something like 31,000 responses on Amazon (ah Amazon, you are vaguer than a fucking over-medicated, upside-down octegenarian, aren't you?), I was much amused then much unsettled to discover that only about three returns were actually anything to do with horror stories as you'd expect them to be (ie, vampires, zombies, people growing second heads, giving birth to bald sloths, that kind of thing) and the rest were for books about governmental conspiracy in the US.
Then it occurred to me (though the appalling thing about being on a bloody dial-up at home is that I can never face doing this) that maybe if you did a search for - oh, I don't know - "perfect chocolate chip cookie recipes" or "puppies" or "novelty butt plugs", you probably get just as many returns for books about governmental conspiracy in the US. Which I think is a whole book in it's own right. Sigh. There's yet another book I'm not writing.
Anyway, the point of this drivel, is that even five vodka's in, I found myself, mid-Google, in a state of bewildered shock (in part due to the vodka, granted, but not entirely) because in the top twenty was a book called (and god, I wish I'd made this up) "A Short History of Tractors in the Ukraine".
How short? Who's to say that tractors aren't the main form of currency in the Ukraine? Maybe the tractor industry secretly sustained the Ukraine for decades? Maybe they are being melted down and reshaped into marital aids. Maybe they go for a bomb on eBay. Hang on, I've just written the word bomb. Will men with no necks turn up at my door? Will the CIA suddenly hear the-machine-that-goes-ping go into overdrive? Who knows. Hang on..bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. That's better. Anyway, I am almost tempted to buy the tractors book. Along with 'A Short History of
Screaming' and also maybe the softback version of 'How To Give Up Buying Self-Help Books".
Has anyone seen the Calvin & Hobbes cartoon where Calvin tells Hobbes that he has "decided to verb words to see what it sounds like."? He ends up by deciding that "verbing words is weird". It is, tiny wise 6 year old, it is indeed. But I've done it here so no forgiveness for me. I've Googled, texted and blogged. You can't do that with a PDA, can you? "Oh yah, I palmed that". See, I think that means something else entirely :)
I hate being broke. When the hell is some kindly passing eccentric rich idiot going to just *give* me some bloody money so I can have a life? Oh, and the first person to tell me you don't need money to have a life is getting a fork in the head. Yes you fucking do. Anyway, I'm not just blogging to rant about being skint. No, really. Well, not just that.
See, this work I'm not doing took the form of me trying to write a pitch for a publisher, so thought I'd do a little vague Googling for "horror anthology" and although it returned something like 31,000 responses on Amazon (ah Amazon, you are vaguer than a fucking over-medicated, upside-down octegenarian, aren't you?), I was much amused then much unsettled to discover that only about three returns were actually anything to do with horror stories as you'd expect them to be (ie, vampires, zombies, people growing second heads, giving birth to bald sloths, that kind of thing) and the rest were for books about governmental conspiracy in the US.
Then it occurred to me (though the appalling thing about being on a bloody dial-up at home is that I can never face doing this) that maybe if you did a search for - oh, I don't know - "perfect chocolate chip cookie recipes" or "puppies" or "novelty butt plugs", you probably get just as many returns for books about governmental conspiracy in the US. Which I think is a whole book in it's own right. Sigh. There's yet another book I'm not writing.
Anyway, the point of this drivel, is that even five vodka's in, I found myself, mid-Google, in a state of bewildered shock (in part due to the vodka, granted, but not entirely) because in the top twenty was a book called (and god, I wish I'd made this up) "A Short History of Tractors in the Ukraine".
How short? Who's to say that tractors aren't the main form of currency in the Ukraine? Maybe the tractor industry secretly sustained the Ukraine for decades? Maybe they are being melted down and reshaped into marital aids. Maybe they go for a bomb on eBay. Hang on, I've just written the word bomb. Will men with no necks turn up at my door? Will the CIA suddenly hear the-machine-that-goes-ping go into overdrive? Who knows. Hang on..bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. That's better. Anyway, I am almost tempted to buy the tractors book. Along with 'A Short History of
Screaming' and also maybe the softback version of 'How To Give Up Buying Self-Help Books".
Has anyone seen the Calvin & Hobbes cartoon where Calvin tells Hobbes that he has "decided to verb words to see what it sounds like."? He ends up by deciding that "verbing words is weird". It is, tiny wise 6 year old, it is indeed. But I've done it here so no forgiveness for me. I've Googled, texted and blogged. You can't do that with a PDA, can you? "Oh yah, I palmed that". See, I think that means something else entirely :)
posted by Adele at 1:20 pm
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